Self-love is the healing balm for heartache.

At 24 years old, I was young and hopeful; hopeful that my marriage would be long lasting and loving; hopeful that I would be cherished, always. By age 30, I was alone with two babies, overwhelmed and exhausted from full-time single parenting.

This wasn’t how life was supposed to be. This isn’t what I wanted for my life. I did some inner healing work and was encouraged by a mentor to open my heart again. Because I love love, I did.

I opened my heart again, and again, and again. Close to two decades and many relationships later, I wonder how I could have saved myself the heartache. None of these men wanted to do the work of the relationship. None of them cherished and loved me like I wanted. None of them showed up for me the way that I wanted and needed. The fact is, I was the one who wasn’t showing up the way I needed to for myself. To each of them I now say, thank you for showing me what I needed to heal.

Love is a choice.

The first choice to make is to love yourself. Loving yourself is a daily practice. It’s knowing who you are beyond the physical reality. Who are you at your essence? Your spirit? Your energy. Self-love is making choices that resonate with your heart, that make you leap for joy and self-love is not ignoring the whispers that say: Walk away. Make a different choice. This relationship will not bring you joy. `

I ignored the whispers that said: Don’t walk down the aisle. Don’t move in with this man. Be alone, don’t tag along with a man who does not know your value. Who will use you and abuse you. These men claim that they did not want to end the relationship. They wanted me. After all, I’m kind, loving, vibrant, and compassionate. They wanted it all. They wanted me to be there waiting for them while they went off and did whatever they wanted, without communicating and without loving compassion.

Several months ago, I ended a two month dating experience with a text (phone call would have been better, I know) as I walked into the neighborhood pool. Within 5 minutes of sitting in the hot tub after I ended the courtship, a new man approached me and started a conversation.

As he asked me out, I laughed at the synchronicities of the Universe. This was my confirmation. You are loving yourself. You are choosing yourself. You are following your heart. 

This is where we are all meant to be.

When my second long term commitment was dying a slow death, I had to finally end it after months of no communication. He didn’t want to get help. He wanted to walk away and blamed me. Love would say: I need some time away, but I love you. I will be back after I sort myself out. Instead it was: You are too (fill in the blank.) Blame. Blame. Blame.

Love is a choice.

The second aspect in choosing Love is to commit to healing yourself. I believe that we enter into relationships in order to find the healing we need to evolve. The challenges we face help us transform our pain into love. We heal, transform, and hold more light. Each of these relationships over the last two decades had their own purpose in my life. Each of these relationships brought me closer to knowing my essence, my spirit, my energy. I know more about myself because of these relationships. 

In my 20s, I certainly did not think this way. I thought there was something wrong with me because I couldn’t make the relationship work. I couldn’t make the relationship work because I couldn’t change him. I couldn’t make him want to do the work of the relationship. I couldn’t make him want to get the help we needed to find peace. It turns out, there is nothing wrong with me. I simply had the courage to walk away when a relationship was not transforming into holy love.

When you commit to healing yourself, there is no one to blame, criticize or judge. I fully accept every experience that comes my way as an opportunity to learn more about myself.

I would rather be single and in love with myself, fully present for my own life experiences and evolution than to be in a relationship that won’t grow. Relationships need healthy soil, water, sunlight, and sometimes fertilizer to evolve to the next level. 

Love is a choice.

Finally, choosing love means walking in deep faith. You will make choices that are scary and unknown. It can feel safer to stay in a relationship that isn’t working because it’s familiar. The choice to leave a relationship brings up questions like how will I support myself? What will people think?

Walking in faith means that the guiding light is our own inspired and heart-centered knowing. Walking in faith, we find strength in our higher power. We trust that the path will only unfold for our highest good.

A client once told me that she was going to stay in a relationship for financial reasons. That’s her choice to make, yet I wonder, what is the real cost of staying when you know that the relationship is dead and there is no hope of saving it? Does it serve your spirit essence? Does it energize you and enliven you to be in the relationship for financial reasons? Consider taking a leap of faith and trust that the Universe knows exactly what you want and need.

My mission is to empower your transformation, inspire you to remove the blocks to your brilliance, and illuminate the wisdom that already exists in your heart so your life radiates with joy, peace, and prosperity. Let’s talk.

Be Brilliant!

Helene Rose

Helene Rose guides you to your brilliance, into your heart, and into the Heart of All That Is. Join the Be Brilliant Network community to practice shining from within. Listen to the podcast for your Daily Energy Alignment. Schedule your Brilliance Coaching session.